


The Story of a Man Who Saw a Tree and Was Like, “I’m Gonna Fuck That.”

by UggsBetts



Series: Loved to Completion: A Confluence of Marriages [2]
Category: Original Work
Genre: Accidental Marriage, All sex here is consensual, Asexuality, Comedy, Deep Throating, Dry Humping, Explicit Sexual Content, Fantasy, Feminist Themes, Fingering, Gay, Genderqueer, Grinding, Humor, Lesbian, M/M, Magic, Nonbinary Character, OMC/OMC - Freeform, PWP, Parody, Porn With Plot, Romance, Royalty, Sex Magic, Spoof, Trans Male Character, Vibrating Toys, butt stuff, dick sucking, hand in mouth stuff, just so fucking gay, lots of fucking, magic sex curses, original cis male character/original trans male character - Freeform, original male character/original male character - Freeform, slight mention of technically underage sexual activity, spit, tree fucking
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-26
Updated: 2019-12-25
Packaged: 2020-07-20 10:40:43
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 22
Words: 11,623
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19990795
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/UggsBetts/pseuds/UggsBetts
Summary: He was a virgin. An aging virgin. A thirty-eight year old virgin, in fact. His king father had grown very anxious, and resorted to throwing all manner of beautiful creature his way.Hey, did you ever want to read a gay horny fantasy romance retelling of Sleeping Beauty and every fairytale and trope you’ve ever read? No? Well too bad, my friend. That’s just too darn bad.





	1. Aelor the Aging Virgin

**Author's Note:**

> This is a ridiculous spoof work that I started writing forever ago, and love with all my heart, and want to get back to. It is porn. With a very thin plot. The main character is endlessly annoying, and the love interest is also very annoying. I love them. The chapters will be short, because all I write are short chapters. Please enjoy. *bows then turns, my cape fluttering behind me*

He was a virgin. An aging virgin. A thirty-eight year old virgin, in fact. His old, frail king father, soft around the middle, had grown very anxious, and resorted to throwing all manner of beautiful creature his way.

“Son, your ten sisters have all born noble lineage. Do you not suppose your time has come?” The king asked his willful, aging, virgin son wrapped in cotton robes.

The blonde, pale virgin prince who had clearly never worked a day in his life looked mournfully out the window.

“No father, I do not suppose it has,” was his son’s reply.

“Boy, you are thirty-eight. You are the oldest, as well as my only son. If you do not bear a child, your sister, Demetria, will seize the throne. And you know how condescending she is,” the king begged.

His son thought for a moment before turning around, grasping his father’s wrinkled, spotted hands in his, and said: “Father, I promise you, that if I find someone appealing enough, I will leap into bed with them immediately. But this  _ toy _ you’ve brought me,” the virgin prince gestured down to his cock that was currently being sucked by a most handsome of fellow bedecked in the regalia of the captain of the neighboring land of Bedelia’s army, “just isn’t suiting to my fancies.”

The captain slowly pulled off the delicious cock, giving it one final swallow, and stood, adjusting himself in his pants.

“Sirs, I have never been so insulted in my life,” the stunningly handsome captain said, white teeth flashing against his dark skin, his dark blue captain’s uniform perfectly fitting his well-muscled body. “I am the captain of the neighboring land of Bedelia’s army, and a prince of the estate of Sardonia. I do not need to stay here and be so insulted by someone as impotent and aging and virginal as yourself, Prince,” he spat out. “No matter how delicious your cock may be.” With that, he swung his cape/cloak around himself and stomped out.

“See what you’ve done now, Aelor? You’ve pissed off another one. I’m running out of suitors for you,” the king sobbed into his hands.

“Now, now father. Go play with Anabelle’s children. You do so love to play with your grandchildren,” the virgin prince distracted his father.

As his father walked away, rubbing his eyes and blowing his nose into his cloak, he said, “I’d love to play with them more if they were yours,” and then burst into another fit of sobs.

“The real kicker,” Aelor said to himself, “is that we don’t even live in a patriarchal society.”


	2. Clip Clop Motherfucker

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Antique porn is best porn.

Prince Aelor reclined in the library, reading fantastical books on romance in foreign languages, when a knock came at the door. Since the library was so large and vast, Aelor did not hear the knock, and so continued reading for hours, his eyes resting heavily and richly on the delicately refined images on the pages. 

He finally grew tired of jerking it to old pictures of people fucking, and so picked his way carefully from betwixt the stacks. He pushed on the very large, very heavy library doors, but they did not give easily. He threw himself at them, and finally they opened. A gasp, a mostly unmanly screech, and the aging court announcer found himself sprawled over the virgin prince, straddling him in a most unprofessional way. 

The subtle touch of their cocks beneath the thin fabric sent a mighty shudder down the court announcer’s body. A heat raced up and he was overtaken by a sudden need to claim the virgin prince’s mouth by his own. He leant down for a kiss…

And was unceremoniously thrown off.

“Bert. What the fuck,” the aging virgin prince said as he smoothed down his graying blonde locks.

The elderly court announcer leaned on his staff, shaking slightly. “I’m so sorry, your most aged virginity. I forgot myself for a moment,” he replied, visibly sweating. “I came to alert you that Princess Elago is here at the invitation of your father.”

Aelor sighed heavily, flipped back his hair, and stomped off to the throne room, where he found his father entertaining Princess Elago, the princess to the Equinus kingdom. The princess was a horse, with a beautiful chestnut mane. 

“Father,” the virgin prince sighed heavily at his father from across the very long throne room, so that it was more of a sighed yell than a true sigh, “It’s not happening.”

With that he skipped away in a most manly way.

“Um,” the king started saying to the princess.

“Yeah, no, fuck this,” the princess replied, and clicked away.


	3. It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a virginal prince in possession of a hard cock, must be in want of a something to do with it.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> All you need is some privacy and a good green hill.

The woods surrounding the kingdom were expanse, and Aelor loved taking one of the fancy, foreign romance novels out to a secluded spot and just, like, jerking it real good, man.

He had his pack on his back (a back-pack, if you would), and was walking farther than he usually did, maybe an hour or two. The virgin prince wanted to find a real good spot for jerkin it. He hadn’t had much private time, what with the court announcer following him around now and his father constantly parading beautiful creatures around. It was hard enough to stop himself when he wasn’t particularly attracted to anyone; it was even harder when they were painfully gorgeous.

Suddenly, he walked out of the woods into a clearing, where a low hill rose maybe 20 feet, and a lone tree sat on top. 

For some reason, the tree looked like a really great spot to jerk it, so he climbed the hill, settled down with his back to the tree and his butt on his robe, pulled out a book, and went to work. 

He let out a gentle moan, and let his hands trail down his body. He had a lot of pent up energy, and it felt so good to express that into the slightly brisk air. He touched his cock, and looked at the drawings, and lights started up behind his eyes. 

Aelor decided to take it slowly this time, to feel his way through it, to really savor the moment. The particular image he was looking at was of two men, one fucking the other rather vigorously in the ass, and the man on the bottom looking beyond thrilled at it. He was so thrilled, in fact, that he wasn’t even touching his cock.

Aelor wished that he hadn’t been sex cursed, wished that he could fuck people just like anybody else, but it just wasn’t meant to be. All he wanted was a dick or dick-shaped object up his ass, but it was not meant to be.

He nearly worked himself into hysterics, nearly cried, when he leaned his head back against the tree and saw a most phallic shaped protrusion from the side of it.

“Woah,” he said.


	4. Enter: Tree

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oh hey tree, funny seeing you around here. *wink*

“That’s,” he gulped, his thick spit suddenly too thick for his mouth, “thick.”

He looked around, half expecting someone to notice his sudden lust for this weird tree-bump.

His head swiveled side to side like a chicken’s, his pulse raced like a river, and his cock was as hard as… well, a hard cock.

The protrusion was perhaps eight inches long, and it was smooth, without any bark on it. It almost looked like it was new growth, like when you peel back the outer layers of bark on a new branch and it’s all smooth and white, except the protrusion was a beautiful cinnamon color, a glowing burnt orange. 

Before he knew what he was doing, the virgin prince had lifted his hand to it. It almost felt warm, and his hand slipped easily over the length. It wasn’t moist, but somehow was slick to the touch all the same.

The prince looked anxiously around again, his spot from the top of the hill in the clearing in the woods offering him the perfect vantage point to see if anyone was spying on him or approaching.

Still, no one came, and the woods remained a peaceful place where birds sang and small animals clicked through the underbrush. 

He turned back around and faced the delicious knob. It was so firm and inviting under his grasp. He flicked out his tongue, tasting the delicious sweetness of the wood. It stirred something deep and heavy inside him, like a large, heavy, rusted door slowly, slowly creaking open. Like an ancient machine coming back to life. 

He made his decision. A very difficult decision that took all of two seconds to make. 

The virgin prince Aelor of Conqueria, the eldest of ten children, the apple of his father’s eye, the next in line for the throne, and the only one of his father’s progeny who had not married or granted him grandchildren, looked at this delicious knob on this tree on this hill in this clearing in his father’s woods in the land of Conqueria on the continent of Pfluog on the planet Erog in the galaxy of the Great Ejaculate in the Sky, and said:

“I’m gonna fuck that.”


	5. One Sexy Tree

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yeah he... fucks the tree.

Aelor raised up his robes, exposed except for the flowing material bunched at his hips. He felt behind him for the delicious knob, and guided it towards his entrance. He tried to push himself onto it, but every time he pressed back, there was a sharp pain at his asshole. 

“Fuck! I’m too tight!” he exclaimed into the empty air all around. He pulled his hand back up, stuck his fingers deep down his throat, hummed around them, enjoying the velvety softness and tickle, then brought the slick digits to his aching hole. He pressed in just one, willing himself to relax and open up, and it slid inside. He moved it in and out, loving the slight burn and the pressure. He couldn’t reach that special spot inside that made his cock jump without being touched, but he _could_ , he just _might_ , with the help of that very beautiful hump. 

He slid another finger inside, moaning now at the fullness, and pumped his fingers in and out. His cock was rock hard, his libido inflamed from these feelings he hadn’t felt in decades. 

And then… a third finger went inside, and he was crying out from the pleasure. His eyes wandered back to the tree, and the knob, and that was it. He was finally ready.

He knelt in front of the wood and swallowed it down his throat. It almost seemed bigger now, and warmer, but that couldn’t be right. If it seemed bigger, surely it was just Aelor’s horniness, and if it was warmer, certainly it must have been from the sunshine on that beautiful day. He hummed around the stick, bobbing his head, enjoying the fucking sensation that he hadn’t had in so long. He pushed his head down so far that he couldn’t breathe, and his head became blurry. He pumped himself and moaned around the wood, falling into the heady nature of it all.

He came hard and fast into his fist, and coughed, sputtering around the wood. He pulled his head off and turned around.

He pulled up his robes once again, turned around, and lined up his entrance with the knob. He pressed back, once again, and thankfully, blessedly, his asshole opened up slowly around the intruder and let the wood inside like a sloppy french kiss.

“Ahhh,” Aelor moaned. It has been so long, twenty years in fact, once he’d reached the age of consent and the curse was activated, since he’d felt such a sensation. The walls of his ass clung to the wood, slid along it, and the friction revived his flagging erection.

He rocked on the wood, back and forth, each deep stroke warming inside him. He pushed back farther on the knob, and a jolt went through his body. 

“AH!” he yelled out. He’d hit his prostate. It was the most incredible feeling he’d ever felt in his entire life. He aimed for it again, and gently pressed up with his ass. It was like electricity raced through his body. Faster and faster he moved, and it felt as if there was no end to the pleasure. He was screaming now, he didn’t care who heard, he wanted everyone to hear, wanted everyone to witness. He had missed this, ohhh how he had missed this.

He slammed down over and over on the knob, hitting his prostate every single goddamn time, and suddenly he was coming, oh my god he was coming, thick ropes, pump after pump after pump. He sobbed through the orgasm, sweat and tears mingling on his cheeks. He came, and kept coming, and he felt as though he lost control. It didn’t stop, there was no end to it. His robes were completely coated, his asshole was sore, his dick was so swollen, but still it didn’t end. He kept bouncing and bouncing and coming and coming and coming. Finally, utterly, it ended. His body was jelly, and he was only supported by the hands holding his hips.

Wait.

What?

“Um, excuse me, I think you’re on my wand,” a deep, husky, very sexy voice like marbles in a stream said to the no-longer virgin prince.

Aelor’s eyes shot open, and he turned his head to look back, seeing his hands grasped by siena hands, chiseled abs above them, and the face of the most handsome man he’d ever seen in his life floating at the very top.

“What. The. Fuck.”


	6. Virginity is a Social Construct Anyway

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The plot... *thickens*.

Aelor slid off the still-hard cock and fell onto his face. He laid there for a moment, evened his breathing and calmed, and then sat up and collected himself, covering his nakedness for good measure. He was, after all, still a prince.

  
“Hi, I’m Aelor, virg- um, I mean, prince of Conqueria, inheritor to the throne, and I’m sorry to tell you this, but you just deflowered me,” Aelor said and stuck out his hand for a shake.

  
The beautiful stranger looked very perplexed, but took Aelor’s hand just the same. The no-longer-virgin prince shook it firmly, in a way befitting royalty. The stranger’s hand remained limp and flaccid, in a way that his cock was not.

  
“Um,” the stranger said very eloquently. “You’re… welcome?” He was very confused.

  
“Ah, yes, well, I suppose it had to happen sooner or later. Or in my case, much later,” the prince replied.

  
“Yes, you are not exactly… young,” the stranger said, still very confused. “Alright then, I’m going to get going.” He stood, pulled off the wand-cock, twirled it above his head, and robes appeared swirling around him. He went through it’s pockets, until finally finding what he was looking for, and pulled out a compass.

  
“No, I’m not. Also. Did you just pull off your dick???” the prince was now the confused one.

  
“Excuse you, this is my wand. You’re very rude. And I’m going to leave now. So, uh, thanks for waking me from my thousand-year cursed-slumber, but I’m going to go tend to business. I left my sibling in charge of the workshop and they’ve probably made a mess of it…” the stranger (wizard???) turned around, still mumbling to himself, and started walking away.

  
Aelor jumped to his feet, his robes falling open and revealing his nakedness, but he didn’t care. This stranger, or wizard, or tree, or WHOEVER, had deflowered him. Therefore, this person was his _spouse_. Therefore, they couldn’t just walk away. 


	7. Thirty-Eight Years Earlier

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> FLASHBACK FLASHBACK FLASHBACK.

It was the prince’s christening. He was young, just eight months old, and a very happy, cooing infant. His mother and father loved him dearly, and his father was already pregnant again. All manner of royalty from the surrounding area had come to see the christening. All had been invited.

Except for one.

Agatha, a wood fey, had not been invited. She was a very sexual being, and while the queen and king respected that, they didn’t think a hulking forest succubus was entirely appropriate for their son’s christening.

Unfortunately, despite a very well written and polite letter, Agatha disagreed.

She slammed open the door to the throne room where the ceremony was being held. She threw her arm up at the wall of guards who ran at her, and they fell upon each other in an orgasmic display. Even the party guests started masturbating from being in her presence.

Smiling at the revelry she caused, Agatha approached the mother and father and son. She stuck her meaty finger into his little cradle and cooed at him. He smiled up at her, and grabbed for her horns. She was delighted. He was going to be an incredible king. Or queen. Or ruler. However he ended up identifying.

Suddenly, all of her rage at being shunned from the event evaporated. She smiled warmly at the queen and king, who were very confused and scared, and mildly aroused. Agatha had that effect on people.

“Queen Tohm, King Job, I apologize for my sudden appearance. Your tiny son has won me over, and so I am no longer angry with you. Let me give this parting gift to show my appreciation, and to bless your family with many progeny,” Agatha said.

“Oh, Agatha, that is quite alright, you already have given us so much by protecting the sacred forests,” Queen Tohm started, but Agatha held up a hand.

“I know. I do much for you,” Agatha agreed, “but I will do something more.”

She leaned down, kissed the young prince’s head, and stood up, beaming at him.

“From the time of his eighteenth birthday, your son will have an enchanted cock and ass, so that all who gaze upon it or touch it or smell it or hear it or taste it or stand near it will become enamored by him, and will be filled with an insatiable lust,” she said.

“Agatha, while we appreciate the gift, we must insist-” the queen hastily said, but Agatha interrupted her once again.

“Insist nothing. It is done. You are welcome,” she said, and turned back to the tiny prince. “And you, prince, are welcome as well. You will have the best sex of anyone alive, maybe even of myself. I hope you appreciate it, and fuck many people once you’re of the age of consent and find people or creatures you like.”

Agatha left. The king wept.

“Tohmmy, my queen, it is the custom of our people that whoever deflowers the first-born must marry them, and neither of the pair can ever sleep with anyone else. What sort of horrors and moral minefields await our young Aelor?” he wept.

His queen laid a thoughtful, worried hand on his. “I do not know, my love. I can only hope that we instill in our son the weight of this responsibility, and that he does not use his powers for evil.”

“Like Spoderman?” the king wept.

“Exactly dear,” she replied. “Like Spoderman.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Queen Tohm and King Job: Agatha nooooooo-  
> Agatha: AGATHA YES.


	8. "I consented to sex. I didn’t consent to marriage."

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ya ever accidentally marry someone with ur dick? Void, waht a bummer.

The wizard stared at the whore prince with mild amusement, but mostly boredom, and the air of someone who wanted to be a very specific place, and this wasn’t it.

“So, you’re telling me,  _ Aelor _ , that since we had sex (if you can really call it that) I now have to marry you? Because, fellow, you’re hot and all, but I’m not going to agree to that. I have a lot of things I need to catch up on. I’ve been a tree for a-thousand-fucking-years.”

“No, you’re not getting it,” Aelor sighed exasperatedly, “since we had sex, we are now  _ married _ . It’s how things work in the land of Conqueria. My family was cursed like, a thousand years ago or something. Or my family’s always had a hard-on for monogamy?? Anyway, add to that  _ my _ curse, and things are dicey around us royal-born. Specifically me.”

“Right,” the wizard responded, not believing him. The man probably just wanted to trick him into consenting to marriage so he could use the wizard’s magic or something. Yeah. Something uncouth like that. “Look here, man. The only thing I consented to was sex with you, and that’s just because you were very hot and there and willing. I was stuck as a fucking tree for one thousand years. Then this hot little number comes up, starts jerking it, and what am I supposed to do,  _ not _ put myself out there and try to get some and break the dumb fucking curse? So,  _ kid _ , that’s all. I consented to sex. I didn’t consent to marriage. So I’m leaving now. Bye.” 

With that, he turned heel and started walking away. Again. 

Aelor had had it. He was done. Finished. If this wizard wasn’t going to come back home with him willingly, he was going to put this curse to good use. Kind of.

Aelor dropped his robes completely and caught up with the shorter man in just a few steps. He entwined their fingers and slowly pulled the wizard to a stop.

“Please,” he begged. “We are bonded by magic and tradition and more magic, maybe. Please come back with me. After we get everything settled with the king, I personally will use all the power at my disposal to help you on your quest to reclaim your ‘workshop’ and teach you all that has happened over the last thousand years. Please.” He let tears fill his eyes, and gave his most pitiful look.

The wizard turned slowly to try and let the prince down one final time.

He hadn’t anticipated the prince would pull his body to him.

He hadn’t anticipated the rush of magical lust that coursed through him and made him ache deep in his belly.

He hadn’t anticipated pulling the prince’s head down to his and melding their mouths together, and rutting against the sweet, sweet hardness of the prince’s ready cock.

_ So,  _ he thought to himself,  _ this is what a grade-A succubi blessing feels like. _

_ I like it. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> beep boop trying to gather my notes is like wrangling cats lol


	9. Tol  and Smol

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “If you ever want to fuck me ever again, you’re going to come back to the castle and sign the paperwork. Otherwise, I’m going to find the succubus who cur- uh, blessed me, and ask her to make you impotent for spurning her gift.”
> 
> The wizard sighed with all the weariness of his considerable age.

Suddenly, the prince pulled away from the embrace panting. He looked down into the wizard’s eyes, (because he was so tall and the wizard was shorter than him, as established a few times but here it is again. Prince = tall, wizard = short and super hot) and said with all the cockiness of someone who knows they’ve won:

“If you ever want to fuck me ever again, you’re going to come back to the castle and sign the paperwork. Otherwise, I’m going to find the succubus who cur- uh, blessed me, and ask her to make you impotent for spurning her gift.”

The wizard sighed with all the weariness of his considerable age (though he looked not a day over late twenties early thirties, maybe even mid twenties on a good day), rolled his eyes, looked off at the sunset, grumbled under his breath in a language Aelor didn’t understand, and looked back up at the prince (his prince? How was that going to work?) and managed to mumble out: “Well then. I guess it’s all been decided for me.” He accepted the situation, and figured that sticking around for a lowly prince’s lifetime was a price he was willing to pay for great sex. Plus, he didn’t want to start a war by spurning a descendant of Conqueria. He had made her a promise a long time ago to watch over her children, and he didn’t intend to start breaking promises now that he was actually in a position to keep it.

Because he’s, you know, not a tree anymore.

The prince smiled, feeling like he’d actually accomplished something pretty cool for the kingdom. Having a young-looking, old wizard for a king (or, lesser prince? What was his husband’s title going to be? He’d have to ask his father…) was definitely going to be a boon, and once he popped out a few kids, his father would stop harassing him all the time and weeping in corners.

“Well then, let’s head back,” the prince said, and took his wizard’s hand.

“Oh, uh, we aren’t going to have sex again right now?” the wizard was mildly confused and definitely aroused.

“Haha no. Not until you come back and we settle the legalities,” the prince replied.

“Sure,” the wizard said, and rolled his eyes.

Nevertheless, he let his husband lead him away, back into the forest and down a small but well-worn trail back to the castle he’d run away from 1,000 years prior.

The night of Conqueria and Bedelia’s wedding.

The night everything was ruined.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ooooh what happened at the wedding??? Conqueria and Bedelia were married??? But aren’t those the names of the countries in this super diligently and not at all improvised story?!??! WHAT COULD IT ALL MEANNNNNNN


	10. Condescension Ascension

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Oh, husband?"  
> "Yes, husband?"  
> "You're short."  
> "Eat a dick."  
> "Not until we get to the castle."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Double update! I am the tall friend who teases all my other friends about their shortness.

They picked their way through the darkening woods, slowly but deliberately. 

“Oh lofty prince of mine,” the wizard called out mockingly, “will we make it back to my new prison before the sun sets? These woods can be dangerous after dark.” His anxiety crept into his voice at that last part, and if the prince had turned around, he would have seen a troubled person.

“Dangerous, wizard?” the prince called back, also mockingly. “These woods haven’t been dangerous in hundreds of years. And if we come across any manner of beast too unwieldy for what I’m  _ assuming _ ,” and here he looked pointedly back at the wizard, “is your great and vast magical ability, I can use my own particular  _ blessing _ to our advantage. Do not fret, tiny husband.” The prince continued leading the way, the night songs and rustles beginning to awaken around them like a sweeping wind over a vast plain.

_ Oh, so it’s going to be  _ that _ way _ , the wizard thought bitterly to himself. He  _ hated _ being called short. Oh sure, he could just do a spell to make himself taller, as he’d done many times before, but his magic, for the time being, seemed to have vanished. He was as unprotected as a newborn babe. Well, a newborn babe with the strength of a full-grown man, of course.

“Me? Fret? Of course not. I know these woods like the back of my hand.”

“Really? You do? How can that be? You were a tree for a thousand years after all, as you keep reminding me.”

“Well, yes, but woods do not change so much in a thousand years,” he said, too defensively. 

“Did you frequent these woods back then, husband?” the prince asked, genuinely curious.

“Perhaps I did, husband,” the wizard replied, lost in thought and time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story officially has more hits than my eight month old serious angsty passion project fic, and I think that's really funny. I love this story and I love these two assholes. Next chapter up now.


	11. Wizard Greylorn the Discomfitted

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Double update 2/2!

After a brief skirmish with a bear, during which the wizard claimed his magic did not work on protected beasts of the forest, and the whore-prince had to flirt with it to make it shoo, the couple arrived at the castle. They made their way, neither sure of his future or his feelings about the other, except the deep annoyance felt every time they caught each other’s gaze.

They crossed the vast lawn leading up to the castle, for they were approaching it from behind.

“My, what vast lawns these are. They seem much, uh, _vaster_ than the last time I was here,” the wizard exclaimed, trying to break the silence with an innocuous statement.

The prince refused to shrug off his annoyance.

“Yes, well, the better to see the _protected woodland creatures_ I suppose,” he retorted. “In any case, my father will want to meet you, and our castle soothsayer will need to look you over to check for any errant curses or stds. We don’t want to taint the bloodline,” _any more than it already has been_ , he finished silently.

They entered through the employee's entrance, and Aelor felt comforted by the familiar stone halls and flickering lamps down the corridor into the bowels of the castle. The wizard felt-

“Hey, what is your name? I’ve just been calling you ‘the wizard’ in my mind,” Aelor asked.

“Ah, well, I go by many names, Erstwyle the Witty, Greylorn the Discomfitted, Steve-” the wizard started. 

“Steve! What a terrible name. Isn’t there something more regal?” the prince interrupted.

“Oh, um… no. That’s my name. You can’t criticize a person’s name, you know. It’s incredibly rude,” Steve the wizard said, even more annoyed, somehow.

“I guess? Anyway, we’re almost at the throne room. Try not to start any trouble. We’re cursedly married, and there’s no helping that, but we officially need the king’s blessing-”

“Wait so there’s a way to get out of this???” Steve asked, excited.

“No.” The prince stopped, turned suddenly, and threw the shorter man up against the stone wall. He looked left, then right, to make sure no one was coming, and held Steve in place with a forearm across his chest. The wizard- sorry, the _Steve-_ was visibly angry, forehead drawn down, glaring up at his “husband” with white-hot intensity.

Aelor dropped his head down and fluttered a kiss over Steve’s lips, then closed the minimal space between their bodies and snugged his thigh between Steve’s. 

The wizard moaned, clutching at the prince’s robes, trying to draw him closer, and the prince ground down on him, rubbing his thigh against his husband’s arousal as well. They rocked against each other, the wizard trying to get closer, Aelor holding him back while holding him so, so close. The sliding of clothing against clothing and clothing against rock slapped and echoed down the corridor.

“I want you,” the wizard rasped, “please, Aelor.”

It took every ounce of willpower for Aelor to pull himself away and press his back to the cool stone opposite his now-husband, and try to catch his breath. He ground his heels into the dirt, and pressed clenched fists over his eyes.

When he finally lowered his hands and opened his eyes, the wizard was kneeling before the prince, mouth watering as he hovered inches away from Aelor’s navel, and white-knuckling a very large wooden dildo, long and thick and the color of cinnamon, faintly glowing a dark burnt orange color.

Oh wait, I mean his wand.

Oh wait. 

What???


	12. Is That How Wands are Supposed to Work?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which there are no answers, and mouths are hot.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you read the previous chapter and wondered, hey, what happened to the bear? Well here's your answer: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20419175

“Hey, that’s your-”

The wizard rolled his eyes and leaned back on his heels.

“Yes, my wand.”

“You’re gonna use that to-”

“Yes.”

“How does it work when you-”

Steve suddenly lunged forward as if to shove his face into Aelor’s crotch, but stopped abruptly less than an inch away, his arm thrown out against the stone wall for support, the muscles in his dark forearms twisting with denied desire. The old tall blonde whore prince was shocked with the force of his own lust, pounding deep in his chest.

“If you want me,” Aelor rasped, “You will complete the necessary ceremonies without complaining all the fucking time and trying to find a loophole, you ungrateful tree-man.”

“Aelor,” the wizard moaned. “I need you.”

“Yes, obviously, but you have to agree to the terms before-”

“No, listen,” he started. Steve looked up into Aelor’s eyes, knowing exactly how enticing he looked with large eyes and mouth hovering over sheathed cock. “ _ Please _ ,” he begged.

A chill crawled down the prince’s spine, and he twitched slightly.  _ What creature is this?  _ He wondered to himself.

“Yes, Steve. What.”

The wizard held Aelor’s eyes and slowly lowered his mouth to the soft fabric hiding his husband’s flesh. Using lips and gentle teeth, he opened his mouth wide and drew in as much of the warm mound as he could. Aelor’s breath caught, and he stifled a moan. Steve trailed a gentle hand up the inside of his prince’s knee, up up up inside his thigh, and finally pushed the fabric hiding the beautiful thirty-eight year old man’s body away. 

Aelor shivered as his skin was exposed to the cold stony air inside the tunnel. Steve’s breath tickled the light hairs on his thighs and balls, and his dick was already half-hard and leaning to the side. 

Steve, mouth still open, placed a wide, flat tongue underneath Aelor’s testicles and drew them fully inside his mouth, suckling, rolling them and swallowing around them, his mouth stuffed, cheeks puffing out. He pulled his head back a little, stretching the connective skin, and Aelor screamed into his closed mouth, lips pressed tight into a white line.

It was a gorgeous sight: the prince, pressed against the wall, his most intimate parts exposed to anyone who might pass by, trying to grab the unforgiving wall for purchase as his knees threatened to collapse; the wizard, an utterly powerful man on his knees, worshipping the prince’s body, balls in his mouth, half-soft cock twitching on his face like a velvet gift.

The wizard swallowed further and nuzzled the lovely dick before him, smearing leaking juices over his forehead and cheeks. The prince fully hardened, and bucked gently against his husband’s face. He groaned in frustration when there wasn’t enough friction to satisfy him, but there was something so deliciously dark and possessive about seeing himself smeared on the annoying, powerful man before him. 

It was, in essence, a power struggle between a succubus’ curse and a wizard determined to get his powers back.

Oh, I haven’t told you about that part yet, have I? Or maybe I have. Who can ever remember these things?


	13. The Way to a Wizard's Heart is through his Magical Dick

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The truth is revealed, and Steve asks for a sexual Red Bull.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I actually edited this chapter and now i'm like... more invested in these dumb assholes. gr8 jub mi.

Steve pulled his mouth from Aelor and sat back on his heels. 

“I am powerless,” he began. The prince looked down at him, panting, wanting the wizard to touch him again but not going to beg for it. “As in, literally, my powers are gone. Your sexual energy combined with fulfilling the conditions of my cursed tree form were enough to give me a partial boost, enough so I was able to pull on my robes, but not enough for me to faze out and go home. That’s why I was going to walk. 

“And then in the woods, when that bear attacked… it’s not that my powers don’t work on fucking bears. My powers just didn’t work  _ period _ . 

“But with you, right here, right now, having your cock in my mouth… I can feel the power humming in my wand. I know you do not like me, as I do not particularly like you either, but you need a king, and I need your blessing. 

“Will you help me, Aelor, prince of Conqueria, my betrothed?”

Intelligent blue eyes flicked between desperate dark ones the color of flint, and flickering in the torchlight thrown from the braziers marking their way.

“I definitely think we can work something out,” the man said softly, and reached out to gently hold the back of the wizard’s head, sinking his hand into the black curls there. “What do you need from me?”

“Nothing you aren’t willing to give.”

With that, things went from zero to 100 as he pulled Aelor into his mouth fully and utterly, and swallowed the hard length all the way down.

Aelor bucked into his mouth, fucking deep down the powerless wizard’s throat. He lost himself in thrust after thrust, and hardly realized when Steve pulled the prince’s leg over his shoulder. Aelor was pressed against the cold stone wall, his fingers wrapped tight in the wizard’s dark hair, the other arm thrown out for support. He felt something at his entrance, felt something searching and prodding, and willed himself to loosen and accept the intruder. Steve’s wand pressed gently, fucking in and out in shallow thrusts, that magical dick pushing past the tight ring of muscle and pressing deeper and deeper, in and out and in again. Steve felt as though he was being split in half, and dying a most pleasurable death. It was impossibly large and wide and long, and somehow kept going and going. The wand’s angle changed slightly so that it pressed forward against that place within him that Aelor had such trouble reaching, and stars burst behind his eyes.

Impaled, the prince could hardly move, every breath and contraction of his diaphragm making the beast inside him quiver. The hand tangled in Steve’s hair flew against the wall, scrabbling for purchase, and the endlessly selfish wizard caught it in his own in a rare display of kindness, entwining their fingers and offering a place for Aelor to channel his pleasurable discomfort.

“Wiza- St- Steve,” he gasped for air, on the edge of hyperventilation and panic and arousal, afraid to move but trembling all the same, electricity crackling (figurative or literal? He couldn’t tell) over his skin and in his sweat.

“It’s okay, Aelor,” the wizard cooed after coming off of the delicious cock. “I’m going to try something. Just fall back into it, and don’t be afraid.”

“But- I’m- I’m scared,” he was ashamed to admit it, but that too fed his lust and his erection did not flag. A blush rose up his cheeks and he clamped hard around the rod inside him.

“Shh, shh. It will be okay.  _ Quantus meum _ ,” Steve whispered, and the dick inside roared to life, buzzing and vibrating against that beautiful sweet place inside Aelor, and suddenly he was coming, and he was so scared, but it was happening and nothing could stop it. Steve pulled Aelor deep into his throat after missing a few thick ropes, and swallowed down with every thrust of Aelor’s cock in his mouth, thrust after thrust after thrust. Aelor shook, his fear palpable, but he couldn’t stop coming.

“P-please, I ca- ... I can’t,” he begged, nearly babbling, clutching Steve’s hand so tightly it was sure to leave bruises, his perfectly manicured nails digging into flesh, but it didn’t stop. His dick was so sensitive, but it didn’t stop shooting the glistening liquid that was now clear and impotent. Steve swallowed it all, gulp after gulp. Aelor’s body was wrecked and felt elevated beyond anything he’d ever experienced before, as though his asshole’s original purpose (and secondary pleasures) were insignificant in this awakening, and Aelor gasped for air. It was all too much, too  _ much _ , but it was  _ so good _ . Finally, Steve swallowed a final time, and pulled his cock from Aelor’s body but kept his mouth on him. He let down his prince’s leg, and slowly, painfully, pulled his mouth off while raking his teeth down the soft dick in his mouth.

Aelor twitched and grunted once Steve reached the head and scraped his sharp teeth down it. Steve looked up: the sweat on Aelor’s chest and brow glistened in the torchlight, tears running down his face, and he wore the most beautiful smile that the wizard had ever seen.

The cold dead heart in the wizard’s chest thrummed once, deep and low, unbidden and unwanted, but unstoppably.


	14. TFW you studied Latin for four years (so you include it in the super serious story you're writing, because what ELSE are you going to do with it?)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wash away the dirt and grime- oh, I mean, or I guess you could just do... that?

“That was…” Aelor panted. 

Steve rose, uttered “ _ Lavari” _ , and soft light sputtered around them, enveloping them. Suddenly it was gone, their clothes were clean, the sweat was gone from both of their bodies, and Aelor’s skin tingled. 

“Thank you, Aelor,” Steve said, meaning every word, speaking more genuinely than he had in a very, very long time. 

“Thank...  _ you _ ?” Aelor was dazed and confused. His brains had just been fucked out of his head and this strange, ornery wizard-man was thanking him for something he couldn’t understand.

“Yes.  _ Flos _ ,” he muttered, and a single carnelian appeared in his hand. He tucked it behind his betrothed’s ear. “Your energy charged my wand, and I am no longer helpless and powerless. I suspect it will run out soon enough, but for now, I am feeling like my old self. So thank you.” The wizard bowed deeply to his husband.

“Ah, sure, I gotcha,” the not-so-virginal prince responded, body still shaking from the afterglow, his dick still remembering those full lips wrapped around it and that thick shaft pushed far up his ass. “We should, uh, I mean you’re welcome?” The prince shook his head to clear it. “We need to get to the throne room so you can meet my father and finish the necessary ceremonies,” he said firmly, despite the slight tremor in his voice.

“Gladly,  _ husband _ ,” was the wizard’s reply, a cocky half-smile on his beautiful, dark face.

Aelor took the lead, Steve half a step behind him. 

The tunnel through the underbelly of the castle was darker now, the lit torches ending only a few hundred feet into it. Now the only light source came from glowing orbs situated high up on the wall. The ceiling must have been 10 or 12 feet tall, not a very efficient height for a tunnel, but who am I to judge? I’m not a castle architect, and she’d punch me out if she heard me criticize her designs. 

Every few minutes they passed a door that was made of heavy, old wood and reinforced with steel bars. Steve wanted to ask what was behind the doors, but he figured there was time enough to find out. Steve watched the glowing orbs high up in the wall. They glowed a soft yellow light, giving everything the look of a decaying tooth, but the orbs themselves were beautiful. About the size of a medium apple, the outside material looked like a foggy glass, and the end was tapered and then widened. The wizard watched the orbs as he passed by, and started imagining all the delicious ways they could be used on his new husband. His wand was tucked into a deep inner pocket of his robe, but he could feel it warming up in time with his thoughts.

“Shh,” he said quietly, and patted the pocket. There was time enough to explore. They had all the time in the world.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (it's glowy buttplugs)


	15. NOW SHOWING: THE MOVIE LABYRINTH, STARRING AELOR THE NOT-SO-VIRGIN AS THE GOBLIN KING, AND ERSTWYLE THE WITTY AKA WIZARD GREYLORN THE DISCOMFITTED AKA STEVE AS TEENAGE JENNIFER CONNELLY

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Teenage Sarah (Jennifer Connelly) journeys through a maze to recover her baby brother (Toby Froud) from a goblin king (David Bowie)

The now extremely sexually experienced prince led them through the underbelly of the castle, winding their way up through levels and doors and empty chambers, openings opening and closings closing almost seamlessly as soon as they’d passed through them.

They’d been traveling for quite some time, or so it seemed to Steve who was trying to soak up every detail, every fold of curtain and every gleaming marble statue. He was trying to get his bearings in the strange castle that twisted and turned and did not make much sense in his opinion (my apologies, Madam Architect, obviously being a tree for a thousand years did nothing for his design sensibilities).

He was so absorbed in trying to absorb his surroundings that he didn’t notice his betrothed stopping right in front of him before a pair of very large very old very wooden doors, and he knocked them both over.

They tumbled end over end through the doors that opened magically before them as all the doors up until this one had, and ended up in the same position they’d met each other: Aelor on his hands and knees, and Steve pressed into him from behind, hands gripping the luscious whore-prince’s waist.

“Oh HELL NO,” came a deep, dignified screech.


	16. Did you know that Boston is known for it's lavender and goat milk products?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fifteen minutes earlier, inside the throne room, the king had been entertaining one handsome, buff Prince of Sardonia.

Fifteen minutes earlier, inside the throne room, the king had been entertaining one handsome, buff Prince of Sardonia, the same captain of the land of Bedelia’s army that we first met oh so many chapters ago. The room was filled with royalty and aristocrats holding intense, hushed conversations, and palace interns taking notes on how kingdoms work. 

The king sat in his large golden throne, and the Prince stood before him, several steps down, his long red cape gleaming against the dark blue of his captain’s uniform, and his dark skin also gleaming, as normal human skin does, probably. Like delphinium blooming in the midnight moon.

“Please,” the king begged, “please give my troublesome, enchanted son one more chance. Yes, he is rude, but his burden is great. You know of the curse, yes?”

“Yes, I do,” the captain said through gritted teeth. He stood firm, arms crossed, a glare fixed upon his brow.

“Then you know of the horrors, the weighty responsibility that comes with not only having our family curse passed down to him as the first born, but also the ‘gift’,” and at this, the king did air quotes with his fingers, “of the succubus?” the king sobbed now, his fluttery hands covering his moist eyes.

The prince rolled his eyes, but felt his heart warming to the strange, soft, gentle man in front of him. 

“Look, your highness, I understand that your son has borne the weight of that responsibility and... not much else,” the prince finally said, rolling his eyes in a respectful way. “But he was so incredibly rude. Like, so, so rude.  _ So  _ rude.”

The king looked up with sparkling eyes, his tears slipping through the wrinkles on his cheeks, and covered his heart with his hands.

“Please, Prince Sinphylipitus, kind, handsome, virile prince of Bedelia, I beg you to give him another chance,” he sobbed, and reached out a placating, trembling hand to the prince. The prince took the few steps up to the throne and held the king’s hand, marveling at its softness, its warmth, and he felt his determination eroding by the second.

“Perhaps,” the prince murmured, his husky voice quiet and gentle, low enough for the king to hear but not for any of the attending aristocrats or castle employees (not servants) to hear. His face was close to the king’s, and he could smell an underlying pleasantness swirling around the person before him. “And please, your highness. Call me Phyl.”

_ Lavender _ , he thought to himself, and a small smile played on his lips.

But then! With a CRASH BANG, the door to the throne room flew open and before the eyes of the king, of the entire court, and most importantly of the  _ prince of Bedelia _ , Aelor and Steve were positioned as though fucking, sprawled on the floor, their clothes all twisted and indecent due to the falling and tumbling, genitalia probably exposed, an errant ball probably flopping around or something.

“Oh, HELL NO,” the prince of Bedelia screeched with utmost maturity and grace, and stomped his footed boot.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Commentsssssssssssssss are the sexiest thing you could do, tbh.


	17. Slice Slice, Princefucker!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> His only focus was on his robes until the well-known sound of a FUCKING SWORD BEING UNSHEATHED WHAT THE
> 
> “...fUCK????”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Consent is very important.

“My son!” the king rose and reached out for his only boy, his gentle hand trembling in the air. Aelor ignored him completely and rose to his feet, dusting himself off and adjusting his robes, tucking away his errant genitalia. As the object of a sex curse or blessing or whatever you want to call it, his capacity for embarassment died long ago. 

His only focus was on his robes until the well-known sound of a FUCKING SWORD BEING UNSHEATHED WHAT THE

“...fUCK????” he screamed incredulous, and had just enough warning to dodge as Prince Sinphylipitus, the Prince of Sardonia, Captain of Bedelia’s army, swung down and barely missed him. “What the fucking hell, you dick face? What the fuck was that for?” he shrieked, and ran to hide behind his father’s throne.

“Steve!” the anti-virginal prince squawked at the incredible magical wondrous Steve who was now sitting on the ground, just fucking sitting there, unsure of proper etiquette since he’d been, you know, a tree for a thousand years, so he had decided that sitting and not moving were his best options at this point. Sitting, in only a strange robe. Utterly vulnerable.

Prince Sinphylipitus swung his sword wildly down at the sitting man wearing a really weird robe who had DARED defile his betrothed and also cuckold him without his consent in front of the entire court. It mattered not that he was not actually engaged to Aelor. It mattered not that Aelor had not consented to cuckolding him. It mattered not that his heart had begun to beat for a different royal son of the land of Conqueria, a man with shaking hands and a trembling heart; a man with breath like lavender and robes that belied the soft, gentle curves beneath.

His sword swung down. And down. And down. And down. And…

Steve's hand, wand held aloft, was raised in the prince's direction, a whispered  _ balbutire  _ on his lips, and anyone who looked at the prince would see him stuttering in time, caught in a loop. The sword came down over and over again, arcing through the air repeatedly, always swinging down as though the last second was playing over and over again. Steve called out to his cowardly, sexually adventurous husband.

“So… you want me to kill him? Cuz I’m leaning towards killing him,” he said, his voice betraying boredom while he checked his nails. 

“Um…” his husband said. Aelor looked at his father from around the throne, and found his father caught in the same loop, his hand reaching out and out and out and a single tear dripping over and over onto his robes. He surveyed the scene before him, and realized the entire throne room was caught in that loop. His father’s guards caught unsheathing their swords, ready to defend the king’s life to the death. The aristocrats crowding on either side, gasps gasped and gasped and gasped. Even the flames in the torches around the room flickered to the same beat, like the beat of a heart, an echo of time doomed to repeat itself over and over.

Aelor stepped from behind the throne and cautiously made his way down the stairs, looking everyone in their face. He came up to the Prince of Bedelia and waved a hand in his stuttering face, trying to get his attention.

“That won’t work,” said Steve, still bored, but mildly entertained by Aelor’s antics.

“What did you do?” Aelor spoke carefully, in awe but also a little freaked, tbh.

MAYBE even a little turned on by the sheer power, honestly. Cuz like, what the fuck? But also, powerful husband is powerful. And  _ hot. _


	18. Short Guys Do It Better

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Don't disrespect the architect.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's been forever!

“Oh ya know, just a supes caz (short for casual) stutter spell. Oh my void, I just got an idea for the next time we have sex.” Steve was super excited now, his white teeth glowing as he grinned up at Aelor. 

“Uhhhhh,” Aelor eloquently responded, eyes wide. He was still pretty freaked out. Most people didn’t just DO magic.

Steve stood up and dusted off his robes, moving out of the way of the impending sword slash. Aelor cowered behind him, looking pretty silly since he was taller than the wizard. The no-longer-virgin prince’s hands held the wizard’s shoulders, and his head peeked up over his husband’s. Suddenly, time stopped standing still and the sword swung down, completing it’s arc through the air, and hit the stone of the throne room, chipping it. The castle architect Elegor House who happened to be standing in attendance cried out and fell to her knees, her carefully chosen stone having been chipped and the entire energy of the room having been negatively affected. Her design sensibilities were rankled, and she was furious. Her six foot frame, swathed in black robes that covered her entire body all the way up her neck shook with violent anger.

“Guards, seize him!” she screamed with righteous fury, the sound echoing around the entire massive throne room, spooking the birds in the rafters who came out to have a good time and were honestly feeling so attacked just then.

Steve watched the stoic palace guard scoop up his would-be assassin (aka Prince Sinphylipitus), and carry the fuming royal away, presumedly to the dungeon, probably.

Of course, the prince did not go quietly.

“Put me down now! My mother will hear about this! Watch where you’re grabbing me!” his voice became quieter and quieter as he was led away, kicking his legs and just in general being a bother. Maybe don’t attack the Virgin Prince’s husband? And then you won’t get dragged away? 

_Anyway_.

Steve then turned to the king, making sure to keep his husband safely behind his back for not entirely chivalrous reasons. He could tell that Aelor was pretty freaked out, but he could also tell that Aelor was pretty turned on. He wondered if his husband enjoyed his eggs medium-hard, because _he_ certainly was in that moment.

The room began to buzz with the hum of all the aristocrats and employees as their speculation and intrigue rose to a fever pitch.

“King,” he addressed the king, who flopped down onto the throne, thoroughly confused, but rapidly regaining his composure because he was first and foremost a king, and bred from birth to be calm and measured in all things.

“Yes?” the king sniffled, robust and regal tears continuing to fall down his face.

“Might we speak in private? We have… sensitive things to ---”

“Dad! I’m married now!” Aelor interjected in front of the entire court. 

The king (who did NOT look shocked, and in fact insisted that in the royal record it be reflected that he did NOT, so here you go: _he did not look shocked_ ) leaned over and whispered something to a little girl with fluffy red hair and warm brown skin who wore a beautiful goldenrod page’s blouse and green slacks sitting on the steps leading up to the throne, and she pulled out a large shell that was smaller on one end than the other. She stood up and exclaimed into it: 

“KING JOB OF CONQUERIA BIDS YOU ALL LEAVE RIGHT NOW. GO ON. GET OUT OF HERE.” 

Her small voice reverberated through the shell at just the right frequency (a frequency, in fact, that her family was known for producing, and so held a valuable position in the court), and blasted out the end of the instrument. The humans around the room (who had practically been shouting with the scandal unfolding before their very eyes) quickly stomped out, and even the birds had the common decency to leave when they weren’t wanted. Once the last of them had left, the king patted the little girl on the head, and with a smile she left through a small back door behind the throne. The smell of baking biscuits wafted through the briefly open door, and the sounds of a happy home spilled out, shutting off as soon as the door shut.

King Job sat with his fluttering hands folded, tears continuing to fall down his face, but his expression was a hard one. As the last of his subjects and employees filed out, he finally looked back down at his son and at the strange man in strange robes at the base of his throne.

“He’s your _what?!_ ”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If I receive a comment, I WILL update faster. These are my terms.


	19. A [getting scolded by one's father] is something that can actually be so personal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hmmmmmmmmm double update part 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> huhuhu >_>

Being so close to his magical husband was doing strange things to Aelor’s senses. His front pressed against the shorter man’s back as he cowered behind his handsome husband, and his body warmed and hardened at the contact. Maybe it was the adrenaline, maybe it was the thrill of seeing such a powerful man best an ex-admirer in front of the whole court, maybe it was just that time of the month (you know, the time of horniness), but whatever the cause, Aelor knew what he felt and what he wanted. 

Steve, a wizard adrift in time and space, and still unsure of the proper customs, just kinda stood there and waved a little at the king.

“Hello there, your majesty. Or should I say, father in law?” Steve laughed politely. The king did not laugh politely in return. Instead he further leaned back into his throne as if to bury himself in a hole, the embarrassment and confusion plain on his face.

“Aelor, my beloved, virginal, most selective son, what the heck is going on?” he asked quietly. “Because to my eyes, it seems as if you’ve brought a beggar (not that there’s anything wrong with the economically downtrodden, and in fact you know that I myself have started many social programs to help the disenfranchised in our kingdom) in strange robes into our home who you’ve married somehow despite the fact that you’ve turned down every acceptable suitor I’ve brought to you, and despite your advanced age, and despite your sisters’ many children. And not only have you brought such a person here, to our home, in front of our constituents,” the king’s anger was growing, and it was vast, “but this person has  _ somehow _ bested one of the finest fighters in the land and moved faster than the eye could see! A fighter, a  _ prince _ , a CAPTAIN that I was  _ begging  _ to change his mind and take your hand, despite your maximal embarrassment of him not even three months ago!”

The de-virginized prince had hardly been listening to his father. Instead, his focus was on the wide shoulders and strong back of his husband. His hands trailed down those shoulders clad in strange cloth. Reaching his goal, his hands gripped firmly the taught hips before him, and he pressed his urgency against his husband. 

Steve felt the urgency of his husband’s “urgency”, and struggled to maintain his composure. Warmth grew in his pelvis, and his wand heated in his pocket where it was concealed. 

Aelor rubbed now in time with his breath, slowly but firmly. He ran a hand up his husband’s back above his ass where it sloped so gracefully all the way up to wrap around the soft neck above. He felt the skin pulse there, and felt, too, Steve’s breath catch in his throat. 

Aelor wanted something else in that throat entirely.

At this, King Job could take it no more.

“AELOR STOP THAT RIGHT NOW!”


	20. Oopsie Daisy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We did the mash. (we did the monster mash)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DOUBLE UPDATE pt 2 ur welcum

“Anyway, Father,” Aelor dismissed with a wave. “Steve and I are going to go… I’m going to show him… a tour? Yes, a tour of the castle aka his new home as he is my new husband.”

“Oh hey but Aelor you said there was paperwork or something-” 

Aelor interrupted Steve’s query with a quick clap on the mouth.

“Yeah so anyways, Father, as I was saying-”

“YOU WEREN’T SAYING ANYTHING! YOU DIDNT ANSWER MY QUESTIONS? WHAT IS GOING ONNNNNN AELOR!” King Job sobbed horribly into the empty throne room, his violent hiccups and tears splattering across the hard stone surfaces around them. But he was still, of course, very regal.

Steve turned his head so that he could whisper to his trothed (like betrothed, but since they’re married, just trothed, which is definitely a real word and not something I just made up; be sure not to fraggle it though).

“Mm should I do the thing-”

“Ugh, yeah, sigh, please do the thing.”

Faster than the king could follow with his swollen, moist eyes, the wizard’s wand was out and  _ balbutire  _ flew across his lips. The sounds of stuttered crying followed them as Aelor guided them quickly from the vast room through a side door.

“Wow, he’s very…  _ dramatique _ ,” Steve whispered as they traveled up a circular stone staircase.

“Wait, what is that, a spell?” the most whorish of all princes ever asked, stopping abruptly for clarification.

Steve ran face first into his husband’s most generous backside, his fall cushioned by the… cushioning there, developed through a life of luxury and duties shirked. This, of course, knocked Aelor down, and he fell to his knees on the stone steps, slipping down a few due to his slippery robes, and ended up with his ass pressed against the growing heat of Steve’s nethers.

The wizard wrapped an arm around Aelor’s chest and pulled him against him so that they were molded completely together, the prince’s hard cock sticking out through his cotton robes like the start flag at the annual royal horse races.

“We  _ have _ to stop meeting like this, Aelor,” the wizard growled into his husband’s ear, and he bit down on the lobe there.

“Ah!” was all Aelor could respond with, as his sensitive ears were a weakness, and none had nibbled on them in so long. “ _ Please _ ,” he begged, grinding back. “Steve, I-”

And with that, the pair tipped backwards and tumbled down, down, down the painful stone steps to the ouchy stone landing below.

Oops.


	21. Twenty Years Ago

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The reason why Aelor hadn't touched another person in twenty years is revealed.

When he was seventeen, just before his 18th birthday, there was a boy he liked very much. Or at least liked making out with very much. His name is not important, because their budding romance (or lust-mance, as it so often is with teens) was not fated in the stars of the Great Ejaculate in the Sky. 

So much kissing, heavy petting, even  _ french _ kissing, and Aelor couldn’t wait until they were both eighteen so he could officially fuck his boyfriend and they could be married. 

His father warned him that things would be different once he was crowned, that he might not feel the same way, but Aelor, ever headstrong and privileged and full with first lust swept aside his father’s warnings and concerns. King Job would rub his hands together in worry, as he is wont to do. 

That evening, Prince Aelor the Pure, Crown Prince of Conqueria, First of his Name, First Born of Queen Tohm and King Job, was meant to be crowned and given all of these titles and more. The coronation was at 9pm, exactly the moment eighteen years before when he’d been born, finally reaching the age of consent and becoming a full-fledged adult (-ish). 

At 8:55pm, Aelor kissed his sweetheart behind the closed door to the stage where the Holy Person would place a thin golden crown upon his head. There was definitely a lot of tongue and groping, and since his boyfriend was eighteen as of a week prior, Aelor was excited to get up on that stage, receive his crown, and declare to the entire royal court that he would be marrying [INSERT NAME HERE].

Aelor stepped through the doors that opened before him as if by magic (or several employees in a side room tugging on heavy pulleys), and stepped out, a long red cape with dalmation accents around the neck and edges, a dalmation fur collar cinching at his neck. He walked across the ridiculously long stage, and his father sat on the large purple throne, beaming with joy and pride at his first born child who he held in his womb, the product of his love with his beloved Tohm, Ejaculate rest her soul. King Job was also crying, of course.

Kneeling before the Holy Person, covered up so completely with frilly white robes, a long thin train of white following behind them, Aelor bowed his head. Words were spoken by the Holy Person, but Aelor the Most Virginious couldn’t focus on them; too excited, he was, to finally be of age and fuck and therefore marry his boy toy (who, it is prudent to mention again, is only a week older than him). 

At exactly 9:00pm, the Holy Person nestled the crown onto Aelor’s head, and something very strange indeed happened. The hands in Aelor’s beautiful wavy golden locks sunk into his hair, massaging his scalp. A hand slipped around the front to his mouth, and a finger entered there. Upon its entrance, the newly eighteen year old Aelor began to suckle, then took the entire digit down. It rubbed against the middle of his tongue, and where before Aelor could not take anything too deeply into his mouth because of his very strong gag reflex, he grasped the hand entering him with a shaking, lustful hold and shoved two more fingers down his throat. Three digits tickled the back of his throat from the inside, and drool flowed freely down the sides of his mouth. He raised his eyes to the Holy Person, and made such a pretty picture there on his knees, deepthroating himself on their hand, watching lustfully as the Holy Person reached into their voluminous white robes and rhythmically worked their free hand.

Aelor was lost in bliss, in the pleasure, a lust he’d never felt so strongly, tears streaming down his eyes and the need to  _ consume, reach, climax _ overwhelming.

Strong arms jerked him back off of the deep hand, tearing it out of his throat, and he finally gagged, coughing.

“What?” he rasped, and finally his head cleared, and he remembered himself and where he was and what he was doing. He looked behind him to the person who held him tightly, and of course it was his father, shielding his only son with his whole body from the onlookers, the royal court members who were trying to climb onto the stage and were busy trying to fuck each other as they tried to get to Aelor. 

“Guards!” King Job commanded over the cacophony, his kingly voice too kingly to ignore, and the royal guard surrounded the pair, helping Aelor up and escorting him out and back to his chambers. Aelor had never understood why his father populated the royal guard with people who felt no sexual attraction at all, who were not repulsed by sex but who did not want it and did not seek it out and were perfectly, wonderfully, completely happy with their friends and loved ones and even some who had romantic relationships and were parents. 

Aelor had never understood until now, when they rushed him to his room, comforted him, brought him soup and water, and stood outside his door for an entire week while the wood fey’s sex curse heightened, and then finally faded to a dull thrum. They were the only ones immune to the curse, except, of course, for his family. 

He never saw what’s his name again, and honestly? He didn’t care to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I strongly believe that the things that make us different from one another are superpowers.


	22. Tumble, tumble, tumble... dick?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> All downward spirals must come to an end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now that my other story has finally concluded the latest arc (and my month-long update extravaganza in prep for the first year anniversary is over), I am able to tell you of what Aelor and Steve have been getting up to in Fuck Country- I mean, Conqueria. Enjoy :)

Aelor and Steve tumbled and tumbled and tumbled still down the stone stairs for so long that Steve just had to ask:

“Aelor, honey bunny, how fucking long are these stairs?”

Until, thankfully, Bert the Aged Court Announcer was there on the landing below to once-again stop Aelor’s fall. Well, Aelor and Steve’s fall. All their limbs tangled and tingled, and when the rolling finally ended, Bert was pressed into Aelor on his knees from behind and so they looked like two dogs about to make sweet love to each other. His cock was tucked to bed between Aelor’s supple thighs, and Steve skidded sideways and knocked his head pretty hard on the stone walls. Thankfully his hair was thick and kinky and luxurious, so it helped pad his head a little bit.

Still fucking hurt though.

Aelor had no such advantage, and had apparently hit his head on the stone floor or something, because there was a cut on his forehead and a little bit of blood drizzling there.

“Egad,” Steve intoned. “Hey, uh, Aelor, we didn’t discuss opening our marriage or having other partners, so I’m feeling pretty weird about you getting it on with this young man.”

“Young man? Why I never,” thr super old fuck Bert's voice wobbled out. A blush spread across his super wrinkly face. “I am so sorry your highness,” he addressed Aelor, “and I am so sorry to your… friend?”

“I’m his husband,” Steve deadpanned, arms crossed in front of his chest where he sat still sprawled against the wall. It was an uncomfortable position, but he had a point to make, dammit.

“Oh my Great Ejaculate in the Sky!” Bert shrieked, and as he said the words, the Great Ejaculate in the Sky must have heard it like a prayer, for at that very moment he reached climax between the thighs of most lovely prince (according to him, of course; he’d loved Aelor from afar for a very long time, in fact).

And then he seized up, grabbed his chest, and fell over unconscious, his limp and wet cock slipping from between the whore-prince’s juicy thighs.

Aelor, who had been silent this whole time, moved into royal action. He scooted over to Bert’s still corpse, leaving a trail of semen along the way like a horny snail, and shrieked at his husband to do something.

“Steve, help him! Use your magic or something!” Aelor shrieked, slapping the motionless body.

“I can’t,” Steve replied, bored and yet also exasperated and also feeling just a little bit bad.

“Why not?!? Aren’t you some all-powerful wizard???”

“I have no idea where you got that from, I’m just a… simple wizard, and also I’m out of magic,” Steve lied.

“Are you lying right now??”

“No,” Steve lied again.

Aelor started crying, looking the picture perfect image of a younger Job, and wailed. Like cockroaches from a carcass, castle employees skittered out from doorways and hallways, and the royal guard stomped up the stairs, ready to defend Aelor to the death. Everyone crowded around the prince, asking if he was okay, if he wanted a sweet meat (lol sweet meat) or to lie down, or if he was in danger.

“Ahhh!” Aelor shrieked again, except I suppose it was more of a growl, so let me try that again, to be as accurate as possible.

“Grrr!” Aelor growled for the first time, and everyone took a step back, except for Steve who lay sprawled against the wall, watching this entire thing with amusement. “Help Bert!”

Finally noticing the aged Court Announcer on the ground, his staff broken in half next to him, one of the shorter employees fainted into the strong arms of his tall wife, who comforted him and carried him prince-style away. The remaining employees swirled around Aelor and the guards protecting him (they were very diligent in their duty, and completely unsurprised by anything at this point.

They’d seen a lot of weird shit, is what I’m saying.

Bert disappeared in a swirl of bodies, and Aelor waved away the guard until finally it was just him and Steve in the hallway/stairwell thing.

The most de-virginized prince reached a hand down and pulled up his short, crumpled husband, and straightened the wizard’s strange robes. Aelor looked from side to side, and then plunged both hands into the robes, reaching around to grab his husband’s firm ass. He pulled Steve’s pelvis against his own arousal, grinding into the hard rod there.

“ _Out of magic_ , my ass,” the sexy sex prince growled into Steve’s ear.

“How are you hard right now?” Steve whispered in awe of his husband’s libido, suddenly out of breath, his shriveled heart knocking three times against the walls of his ribs, painful and feeling like destiny knocking on a door that had wanted to remain closed.

He was falling in love with his whore-prince, and he didn’t even realize it. What an adorable idiot.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It’s CHRISTMAS.


End file.
